forget me not series 2 – The Romance of Ayin & Will
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Slam! A fist heavily connected with a wooden door, followed by a harsh guttural sound like that of an angry animal in pain.
Ayin jolted from where she was at Will’s office, halting the tapping on her laptop keys as she created the driving school’s new booking system.
She was helping streamline their enrollment process to make it easier for the admin secretary to monitor the growing number of students. She’d been too engrossed with spreadsheets to sense the loud bang coming.
Shocked, she glanced over at Will near his table, pacing furiously with one hand massaging his temple.
When she arrived at his office about 30 minutes ago, Will had been busy talking on his phone with someone overseas about his new expansion project in his hometown, Dipolog.
Over the past few months, he had connected with some friends and family abroad who wanted to invest in his business and had been training two trusted friends to supervise the new branch they were planning to set up.
Her, “What happened?”
Him, “I lost it.”
He wiped his hand over his face as he continued pacing. Then suddenly, to vent some more, he suddenly slammed his fist on the wall and roared.
“Those pieces of shit! I’m gonna kill them.”
Her heart pounded. She had never seen Will this angry.
She looked worriedly at his hand. He didn’t even seem to notice if ever there was pain.
His knuckles looked bad. Whatever was happening seemed worse.
When he slumped on his chair and closed his eyes, she stood up and cautiously approached him.
She repeated, “What happened?”
Him, “The assholes were dealing on the side with someone I don’t know. And now, they took all of our plans and signed on with that richer investor.”
Her, “You mean your friends, those two brothers, the ones you were training?”
He nodded.
Him, “All of our initial investment, gone!”
Her, “How much so far?”
He named a figure.
Her, “Oh my God.”
Him, “I seeded the planning with my own money.”
Her, “The investors?”
Him, “No cash in yet. But they brought in cars. Now, we have all these pending units going idle. They’re furious.”
He smacked his palm on the table again.
Him, “Damn it! They’re destroying my name. I took them in when their business folded and trained them for months to give them this new chance. I showed them the ropes and taught them everything in this business. And what do they do? They run off with our project, conceptualized by me, to a richer investor! Traitors!”
She was angry, too. “Sue them! They stole the plans! That’s clearly a violation of business contract.”
Momentary silence.
And then him, “We don’t have a contract.”
She let out a slow breath. “You didn’t sign a contract before you trained them?”
Him, “No. They were my friends, damn it. I was helping them. All our agreements were based on trust. I thought we were in this together.”
Bummer. Rookie mistake.
She wanted to lecture Will that in business, all agreements should be in black and white, even among friends.
At her workplace, no money – no matter how small – was ever released without an accompanying contract or receipt. Even their regular mascot has a contract per event.
But she kept her mouth shut. It was cruel to poke a man in the gut when he was already bleeding.
After a while, she asked instead, “Where are they now?”
Him, “They’re still in Cebu. They plan to compete with me here.”
Her, “Didn’t you suspect anything?”
Him, “They kept me out of the loop. All they said when they dropped me was they didn’t want to go back to Dipolog and set up there, so they switched plans. They should have told me that before!”
He buried his head in both hands. “I should have known. I would never have helped them if they were going to compete or hurt my business.”
Ayin’s heart squeezed at the sight of Will in despair.
Softly, she asked him, “What do you plan to do now?”
He thought for a moment and sighed, leaning back on his chair, “First, I have to talk again to each investor and then reassign all abandoned cars from the project.
Maybe the school can absorb some and shoulder the monthly payments. The others, I have to resell or compensate for their downpayment.”
Her, “Do you have the funds?”
His eyes wandered to the garage. “I think I may have to sell a couple of fully paid cars.”
“That’s okay,” she assured him. “That sounds like a good plan. It may take time but your business can recover the losses. You’ll survive.”
Will’s eyes hardened as he stared into space. “And then, after that… I will kill them. Both of them.”
She shivered as she noted the coldness in Will’s eyes.
If looks could kill and the traitors were standing right in front of him, she believed they would have been really dead right now.
A week later, Will’s anger still hasn’t dissipated.
He was moody and snapped at everyone in his office, including her when she asked him questions about his recovery plan.
“I know what I’m doing. Just leave it to me,” he told her curtly to shut her up.
During Date Night, he barely talked and let her arrange everything. And when he did talk, it was all about ‘going after the assholes’.
She let it all slide, for she felt Will had a right to his anger.
But she was also starting to get worried that he was never going to snap out of it until he actually killed at least one of those guys. He seemed to be getting angrier by the day.
As they were having coffee for dessert, she tried to inject a positive note to the evening.
Her, “You’re doing a good job with your investors. All remaining cars have been settled now, right?”
He nodded. “Now all that’s left for me to do is destroy those assholes.”
She was quiet as she considered his face for a moment.
Then she decided to go for it and said, “I think, for your health and peace of mind, you should let this go. Just focus on your business and where to take it from here. There’s a lot to do, right?”
He shook his head, “You know what the school means to me. It’s like my child. Nobody gets away with hurting my business.”
Her, “If you’re worried about losing money, don’t. I studied your books and your business is sound, even with the added competition. You can recover the money you lost in a year.”
Him, “I don’t care about the money. I was able to build a new life with just a thousand in my pocket before. I can do it again. What I want is to crush those traitors.”
Seeing that Will was getting agitated, she tried humor to calm him down, “You know, the best way to do that is to kill them with your success. Let the dogs drool as your business remains standing strong.”
Him, “No. That’s not enough. I want to smash their cars. I want to crush their bones to pieces.”
Her, “You’re better than that. Don’t go down to their level.”
Him, “Why not? That’s the only way to deal with those shitty assholes.”
Her, “Come on. Karma will get them. Be the better man.”
Will’s hands fisted on the table. “I’m tired of being the good guy. People will just run over you if you’re too kind.”
Ayin didn’t say anything more.
Her heart bled for Will. For she knew, under all that anger was a man kicked down by betrayal, disillusioned and hurting so much.
Another week later, when Ayin routinely dropped by Will’s office after work, she heard from Grace that he had an altercation earlier on the road when he saw one of his enemy’s cars.
Her heart pounded. And not in a good way.
For two weeks now, she could sense the beast in Will straining to get out. And it was ugly.
She began to feel scared for him.
What could she do? She felt so helpless. She didn’t know how to calm him down.
“Was he hurt? Where is he?” she asked Grace.
“Already in his room,” Grace said as she gestured outside.
Will’s room was just three doors down within the office compound.
As Ayin approached his room, she saw Will smoking outside.
He turned when he heard her steps and they looked at each other for a moment.
Several emotions ran through her but one stood out – relief.
Relieved to see him alive and with all bones intact, she went to him wordlessly and hugged him.
She felt his arms wrap around her. She buried her head deeper into his chest. “I miss you.”
She missed the Will she knew, who seemed to be drifting so far away.
He kissed the top of her head and replied, “I miss you, too.”
It’s been too long since they held each other like this. She didn’t let go and they stayed that way for awhile.
Crushing his cigarette, Will finally said, “Let’s go inside.”
In his room, Will proceeded to clean up some of the mess.
She sat on the bed and watched him pick up used clothes here and there and clear his desk.
After a while she said, “I heard what happened.”
Will grunted.
Her, “Did you start it?”
He nodded, his face turning dark.
Her, “Aren’t you concerned about how this is going to affect your school? It’s not good for the owner to cause a scene on the road.”
Will just smiled mockingly and shrugged, not saying anything.
Her, “Will, please don’t go down this dark path.”
Still saying nothing, Will just plopped on the bed and closed his eyes, his knees hanging on the edge.
Needing to touch to feel if he was still there, Ayin smoothed his face with her fingers.
Softly she said, “Can’t you see that you’re turning into someone else? This is not you. Stop this, please.”
He opened his eyes and looked at her. “I can compromise on many things, but not this one. I hate being betrayed. You should know me better.”
Her, “Can’t you see if you don’t let this go, you’ll be hurting your business, yourself and the people who care for you, as well? That’s why I cannot support you going down this road.”
Sitting up, he nudged her aside and told her curtly. “It’s getting late. You better go home.”
Her, “I’m afraid to leave you alone.”
Irritated, he stood up and snapped at her, “You’re not helping. You’re making me feel worse.”
She stood up as well, “You think it’s easy being with you when you’re like this? You’re like a ticking bomb. I’m scared. Every day it scares me that you will do something to harm yourself and others.”
Him, “If you’re afraid, don’t come. Don’t go near me. That way, you don’t get hurt.”
Her, “I’m not afraid for me, you understand? I’m afraid for you! I don’t want you hurt.”
He snorted.
Her, “When will it get through your thick head that you matter? That some people care for you? That what you do affects someone else? It affects me! You are no longer alone! Your life is connected to mine.”
Like his pin was being pulled, he blew up, “You don’t understand me. You don’t understand my rage!”
Her, also shouting, “You are not the only one who feels pain in this world! You are not the only one being betrayed!”
Him, “That’s easy for you to say because you’ve never been tainted by betrayal!”
Throbbing with rage, he started pacing the room like a caged animal.
Him, “It’s not just about people leaving. It’s not just about getting dumped! Betrayal is about people you trust turning away from you, and worse — stealing what matters most in your life, leaving you with nothing!”
She realized then that Will was no longer just talking about his business, but his past experience with betrayal as well.
Him, “This is the life I built so hard and they dare to just mock it, threaten it? They shamelessly take what’s good in it and leave their shit in its place…”
Her, “No! They didn’t take everything. They didn’t take the best part. They don’t have you.
You’re the heart and soul of this business. You can rebuild again, get back what you’ve lost.”
Suddenly spent, Will dropped to the bed, closed his eyes and threw his arm on his head.
He muttered, “Why can’t you understand? I need to get rid of those traitors.”
She cautiously approached the bed. “Will…”
He sighed as he rolled on his side, turning away from her. “Just leave. I want to sleep.”
Ayin didn’t say anything more and just sat beside him on the bed.
After awhile, she covered him with his blanket, stood up and turned his lights off.
By the third week, Ayin started to drop by his office everyday, instead of just the regular three times, to check on Grace’s load and help manage the business.
Will has finally seemed to calm down.
Instead of flirting with trouble outside, he shifted to staying home and just sleeping.
It was a relief to see him home and safe.
It was also a worry.
As days went by, he started becoming like a ghost.
Except for important meetings and checking the day’s cash flow, Will was rarely at the office. He told Grace he wouldn’t be taking any classes until further notice. He no longer even played his online game.
He just slept a lot. Some days, too much.
“Not here again?” she asked Grace.
Grace nodded.
Grace, “He’s in his room.”
“Sleeping?”
Grace shrugged.
“Did he eat?”
Grace shook her head. “I didn’t see him eat.”
Should she let him be or force him to wake up? Was it better or more dangerous to let him just sleep?
He had to wake up sometime, right?
Ayin wished at that point, that she should have paid more attention to her psychology class in college.
She didn’t really know how to handle a person with depression.
She could only care for him and play it by feel.
She told Grace, “I’ll go to him. Just lock up if I’m not back right away. I’ll check the books later.”
Grace nodded.
She went to his room. It was in complete darkness.
She felt the wall and turned his night lamp on.
With the little glow of light, she saw Will’s figure huddled on the bed in semi fetal position, hugging a pillow.
He looked so frail and vulnerable. She didn’t have the heart to wake him up.
As she stared at him, she saw the slightest movement of his eyelids. She realized he wasn’t snoring. Was he awake?
“Will?” she whispered.
No response.
Slowly, she took off her shoes and climbed on the bed.
Stretching beside him, she spooned his back and wrapped her arms around his shirtless body.
He felt warm, yet she knew he was still so cold inside.
Remembering how he was before the incident happened – happy, bold and so positive about life, Ayin’s eyes filled up. Tears trickled down her face.
Where are you, Will? Please come back.
She felt his body move slightly, trying to loosen from her embrace.
She wouldn’t let him.
But she lifted her head to see if Will had woken up or if he was feeling too warm.
His eyes were still closed. And no, he wasn’t sweating.
After a moment, he stopped moving.
Ayin brushed her fingertips through the errant locks on his forehead. He looked so peaceful when he sleeps.
A feeling of tenderness washed over her, making her suddenly protective, it almost felt maternal. She drew him closer like a mother kangaroo keeping her vulnerable baby in a snug pouch close to her chest to keep him safe and warm.
If she could, she’d carry the heavy weight of darkness and fight his monsters for him.
She dipped her head to his ear and whispered, “It’s okay to be sad. Take your time, I’ll wait. I’ll take care of you and your school till you find yourself again.”
She hugged his back.
After a few more moments of silence, she whispered, “Please don’t make me wait too long. I miss you.”
Then, with her arms still around him, she drifted off to sleep.
After about a month since the incident and two missed Saturday Date Nights, Will finally asked her out to dinner. She immediately agreed even though it was a weeknight.
She left work early and picked up Will. She was so happy to see him coming out of his cave, that she drove him right away to the nearest mall.
When he told her to decide where to eat, she took him to her favorite Oriental restaurant famous for their spicy pork spare ribs that she knew he would like.
She was even happier when Will tasted the food and nodded in approval.
After his long sleeping spell, Ayin figured he’s finally gotten over his depression and anger issues.
She was wrong.
Halfway through their meal, she saw him stare coldly through the transparent glass window outside, with his hand fisted at the table.
“There’s the traitor,” he said calmly, Too calmly that she could almost see the ice freezing through his skin, which was a dangerous contrast to the fire in his eyes.
She turned to see where his eyes were shooting daggers at.
She couldn’t believe it. The first time in a long while that Will decided to go out, and he sees his enemy walking by.
Did the universe think this was funny? Was it really time for a joke?
And of all places! Cebu was really too small.
She met his eyes, wondering what he was going to do.
“Don’t worry,” he told her with a mocking smile. “I’m not going after him… now. I’ll make him suffer someday.”
She put a soothing hand over his fist, “Just let it go. Deep inside, I know you’re a good man.”
When he saw her pleading eyes, he said quietly, “Don’t, just don’t. Don’t expect that of me. It’s too exhausting to live kindly all the time.”
She was getting annoyed by his stubbornness. It felt like she was always banging her head on a brick wall. Will he never get over it?
Her, “It’s a matter of choice. Please choose to be the better man.”
Him, bitingly, “How can you expect me to be good when I’m so angry inside? If I even see a hint of their hair, something in me snaps. I can’t help it.”
Her, “I can help you if you’ll let me. Let’s just focus on your business, please. Let’s rebuild. Just let it go.”
He took away his hand under hers and went back to eating, “I’m sorry. I can’t.”
Her, “Why is it so difficult for you to rise above this and be the better man? You’ve done it before.”
He dropped his fork on the plate. “What may be easy for you is difficult for me. I don’t want to be kind or good right now. Those people don’t deserve it.”
Her, “I know they don’t. And someday, they will get their comeuppance. You believe in destiny, don’t you? Fate will get them.”
Him, “Why can’t it be me? I can do it. I’m strong and angry enough.”
Her, “Because your anger is eating you up inside! It’s been too long already. It hurts me to see you like this. It’s destroying you. You’re giving them too much power over you.”
He shrugged.
She humphed in frustration. As a last resort, she asked him, “Don’t I have power over you, too? If you can’t do it for yourself, can you give up your vengeance for me? Please?”
He looked at her for a moment.
She couldn’t read his eyes.
He was so cold. And so far away. Like a stranger.
Quietly, he answered, “No, not even for you.”
And there it was. The sad truth.
With that one line, she felt her heart break in pieces.
Ayin wanted to scream.
She was grappling with the heavy, bitter feeling that she was not strong enough to pull someone she cared for out of danger.
That shitty feeling when someone thinks you’re not worth it to hold on to. That he would rather drown than take your hand.
And that selfish thought that once again, you are not being chosen.
What does that make you? A useless soul.
She said, “I can’t go on supporting you if you’re choosing this dark path.”
He looked at her, again with those strange, unreadable eyes.
Flatly, he said, “I understand. It’s better for you not to. I don’t want you to.”
Her, “Will…”
Him, “You’re better off without me. Let’s go our separate ways.”
The broken pieces of her heart shattered.
Her, incredulously, “Are you breaking up with me?”
Him, “Yes.”
Her, “You don’t mean that. We don’t break up over something like this. We fight this.”
He took a bite of spicy ribs and said nothing, not meeting her eyes.
Bastard.
Her, “You’re just being carried away by your emotions.”
Him, “On the contrary, I have thought about this. It would be better for you to stay far away from me.”
She felt her own anger building up. “Are you telling me that you’re dropping me… what we have now and what we could have together in the future … for those assholes and your revenge? Just how powerful are they?! I have never been so insulted in my life!”
Furiously, she snapped her fingers on his face, “Wake up, Will! They’re destroying you. They’re breaking us apart.”
He finally looked at her, “You don’t understand. It’s not because of them. It’s for you. So you’ll be safe, so you don’t get hurt. You don’t have to deal with me anymore.”
Her, “You can’t see it, can you? They’re changing you. I don’t know you anymore.”
He was so cold. She couldn’t reach the Will she knew. He was so far away. Like being lost in an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with no signal. You knew he was there, but you just couldn’t reach him.
And on a particularly stormy moment like this, when a tsunami could easily wipe out houses even with the strongest foundations — it scared her.
She wanted him to get his ass on the last flight out to get back to her asap. But then, he wasn’t boarding. No, he wasn’t even taking the ticket she was giving him for free. He’d rather stay behind to revel in the storm or die than live with her.
Ayin didn’t know what she was supposed to feel.
Was it really over?
Then, out of the blue, a random thought slipped in. Why were men always breaking up with her over her favorite food?
The first time, it was over what used to be her favorite pizza — the real taste of which she has long forgotten now. She could only remember it tasting like paper.
She stared numbly at the food in front of her. She has a bad feeling she won’t be eating this again, too, ever in her life.
Was. It. Really. Over?
Him, “I’ll take you home.”
That made her snap out of whatever dark hole she was falling into.
Her, “No. I can drive by myself. Go home on your own.”
She stood up abruptly. He grabbed her wrist.
Him, “You can’t drive in your condition…”
She slapped his hand away.
Then, without another word, she ran quickly out of the restaurant, as far away from him as her stupid heels would take her.
She didn’t want him to see her breaking down.
She was never going back, even to that restaurant again.
The pain didn’t drown her yet. Anger was keeping her to the surface.
How dare he?!
She was so furious that he would choose those shitty people over her. Damn him.
She was angry at herself, too, for letting this happen again. Once more, another man has cast her aside for some pathetic reason.
Why was she never, ever, a priority?
If it wasn’t another girl, she was competing with a personal demon.
Wasn’t she worth holding on to?
That’s why you should never depend on a man to choose you over anything else, a sly part of her reminded. You should always be the one to choose yourself.
As she left the mall parking lot, she saw that night has already fallen.
For about an hour, she drove around Cebu City, with no destination in mind.
She let herself get lost in a sea of angry and impatient cars.
She had no place to go. His place was no longer an option. She couldn’t go home in such a state, either.
At weekend rush hour, the streets of Cebu City had never felt emptier.
Was it really over?
After everything they went through, he just gave her up like that?
She felt numb. She didn’t know that tears were quietly falling from her eyes.
After awhile of aimless driving, she was surprised to find herself outside a chapel, where she, from time to time, lit candles in prayer.
The lights were still on inside, so she parked, locked the car, and entered the air-conditioned prayer room.
She deliberately left her phone in the car. But unconsciously, she carried with her to the chapel Will’s white towelette that she used to hate. He left it in her car one time and she decided not to give it back to keep as a memento.
She didn’t know how long she sat there on one of the chapel’s wooden benches, staring at the silver cross on top of the spotless white-covered table up front.
She didn’t realize she was twisting and untwisting the towelette in her hands as she tried desperately to just breathe.
Inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale…
Her body felt like stone, numb and frozen. Despite the cold, she realized she was sweating.
She lifted her hand to wipe the cold sweat from her face. That was when she smelled him. For a brief moment, she was surprised to find his towelette on her hand. Then, after a beat of blankly staring at it, she couldn’t stop it — she buried her face in the thick cloth and breathed him.
It was then she finally broke down and cried.
Soundlessly, openly and without shame. With snot running from her nose.
She was oblivious to the only other person in that prayer room – a 60ish lady who didn’t mind her as well, wrapped up as she was in the many mysteries of the holy rosary.
A few moments later though, she sensed the familiar footsteps of an old friend. Her skin tingled with dread as that friend sat beside her, and carelessly put an arm around her.
She glanced up to meet the taunting eyes of the most annoying, gleefully wicked and vicious creature she knew so well.
Ayin whispered hoarsely, “Hello, Pain. We meet again.”
Pain, “I never left, dear. I like you too much. I know this will happen again. You’re still so naive about men. Even now, when he casts you aside like this, you still love him.”
Ayin’s eyes widened. “Love?”
Pain, “Sure. Love. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have seen me here.”
That made her cry even harder. She just realized in that moment that she did love Will.
That’s another thing that hurt.
They had never told each other ‘I Love You’. And now, it was too late.
But then, maybe Will didn’t love her at all, considering how he gave her up so easily. Maybe, it was just her.
Pain, “You know, you shouldn’t be suffering alone. I should go visit him, too. It will be fun.”
Before she realized what she was doing, she suddenly grabbed Pain’s arm as she stood up.
Holding her in place with a biting grip, she told Pain fiercely. “Don’t you dare. He’s already in so much darkness. Leave him alone.”
As much as she hated Will right now, she hated even more the thought of him suffering under Pain’s hand.
Pain whined, “Aw… but Darkness and I are friends. We always party together.”
Glaring at Pain, she told her, “Sit. Just stay with me. Leave him alone.”
Pain grumbled, “I don’t like what you’re doing now. You’re going to pray. And then the Big Guy will come to reprimand and shoo me away.”
Ayin didn’t answer. She was already starting to pray.
Pain taunted her, “If I stay here, I’m going to hug you. You’re not gonna like it.”
Ayin raised her eyebrows and looked Pain in the eyes. “Go ahead. I don’t care. Just don’t go to him.”
Pain, “If you say so.”
Ayin sobbed, as she suffered under the crushing and bitter weight of Pain’s arms. But she’s also grateful she was staying with her and not torturing Will at the moment.
She loved the guy, damn him. Even as he broke her heart, she still loved him.
To forget Pain around her, she focused on praying instead.
“Dear God, please give me the strength to carry Pain in the coming days… or months… or years…
I don’t really know how long she plans to stick around this time. But I know enough that she’ll grow bored with me eventually.
More importantly, please let Pain forget about Will. Let me carry Pain for him.
I ask that you give Will some light so he will know how to escape the darkness.
Please forgive him, too, for being so lost right now.”
Then, Ayin fell to her knees.
“Oh God, please love him. Love him more than I ever could.
I can’t share my love to him now because the bastard just rejected me.
I pray that, by your grace, Will gets out of the dark.
And even if he doesn’t come back to me, please continue to shower him with your protection, light and love.”
Pain cringed at Ayin’s prayer. Feeling like she was about to puke, Pain slowly extracted her arms and inched away.
What is it about Love that made fools out of sensible people?
As Pain watched the stupid girl continue praying for the man who hurt her, she shuddered and decided to escape for awhile.
Frankly, the Big Guy’s presence made Pain uncomfortable. When He’s out performing miracles, He always confiscates her and her friends’ passes to a great Pity Party.
Ayin wasn’t paying her attention anyway.
So before it’s too late, Pain tiptoed out of the chapel and left Ayin temporarily in God’s warm embrace.
Pain went out into the night to seek out her friend Darkness.
And of course, Will.
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