forget me not series – The Romance of Ayin & Will

CHAPTER ELEVEN

In the 2004 Tony award-winning best Broadway hit musical, Avenue Q, there is a particular song by Kate Monster that goes:

“There’s a fine, fine line
between a lover and a friend
There’s a fine, fine line
between reality and pretend
And you never know ’til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb

There’s a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time

There’s a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale and a lie
And there’s a fine, fine line
between “You’re wonderful” and “Goodbye.”
I guess if someone doesn’t love you back
it isn’t such a crime

There’s a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time

There’s a fine, fine line
between together and not
And there’s a fine, fine line
between what you wanted and what you got
You gotta go after the things you want
while you’re still in your prime

There’s a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.”

…

A big fan of musicals, and with Avenue Q as one of her favorites, Ayin had memorized this song years ago.

And now, with her current state of mind, the lyrics all came rushing back to her.

She put the song on repeat in her music player as once again, she ran her laps at the Business Park.

She hasn’t heard from him for five days now.

At first, she told herself it didn’t matter.

The day after that long night…

She waited for him to message her anything – that he ‘got home safely’ or ‘thank you for the business’ or any similar nonsense like that.

He didn’t.

She shrugged it off, thinking, perhaps it was best to end it that way – on a good, albeit very long, note… or night.

A new relationship was not part of her plan, so what’s the point?

On the second day after that long night…

She went back to checking her phone and Facebook messages.

Not a single ping from him.

Should she contact him first? Should she take him up on his offer for a long drive?

But she stopped herself, thinking — after the long drive, then what?

According to French-American diarist Anais Nin, “Each friend [or new person we welcome into our life] represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

Was she ready to awaken and open up to another unknown world brought by him?

With her new job, she already had a new world rotating in her life at that moment. Considering her penchant for lightness and freedom, could she handle another one?

Or could it be that she was just clueless and was already pregnant with it? By opening up and sharing his story, did he take root in her heart already?

On the third day after that long night…

She stalked his Facebook page.

After browsing for a minute, she realized she shouldn’t have.

He was tagged at a get together somewhere on the highlands of Busay. He was seated between two pretty long-haired girls, smiling…

…like he wasn’t missing her at all.

Cousins? Friends? Or potential girlfriend? It annoyed her.

What’s the deal? Has he forgotten about her already?

Did she somehow misread him? Did he really just look at her as a student?

Being ignored hurt. Was it just her? He didn’t like her enough to seek her out?

On the fourth day after that long night…

She was mad at herself for still thinking about him.

She tried yoga and meditation to figure out what she really wanted.

As she stood up, lifted one leg and tried to balance herself for the Tree Pose, it only reminded her of forests and that fresh, earthy, woodsy scent of him.

She berated herself, “Ayin, at the rate you’re going, if you could only plant a tree for every moment you think of him, years from now, you’ll have your very own forest to walk through. No need for him.”

She retorted back to herself — Yeah, right. Like walking through her own forest wouldn’t still remind her of him.

She remembered the way he looked so cool under the sun, with his patient voice rolling out driving instructions, and a dazzling smile that couldn’t be overshadowed by his black cap or sunglasses.

Or the way he would grunt and couldn’t be bothered while eating so seriously.

Or, on that lasting meeting, just before sunrise, how his sleepy eyes fought so valiantly to stay awake as she massaged his palm.

She sighed as she stumbled on the mat. What was she going to do about him or these memories?

This was the fifth day and she was no closer to an answer.

She now alternated between being annoyed with him for not calling, and annoyed with herself for not calling first.

No, she decided. She was way more annoyed with him.

That heartless man.

All of a sudden, she felt a tug on her ponytail followed by a light slap at the back of her right shoulder.

She jolted and slowed down to look around, and saw her friend Jane — her all-time travel, movie, running and food buddy — talking to her.

Jane worked in one of the buildings surrounding the park, and often catches up with her for a run 2-3 times a week, or whenever her work schedule permits it.

The fact that she’s present today means they’ll be having a food binge after.

She took out her screaming earphones to hear Jane say, panting, “I’ve been calling after you for two laps now. You’re so hard to catch.”

She easily fell into step beside her.

Seeing her dour face, Jane asked, “What’s up? You look like you want to eat someone.”

“You’re right,” she muttered. “One particularly bugoy someone.”

Jane hooted with laughter. “Spill!”

They slowed down to a brisk walk to talk better. “Guess who.”

Jane said swiftly, “Your driving instructor, of course.”

She gave Jane a startled look. How did she know?

“Don’t look too surprised. You were talking nonstop about him at our last run. And…”

Jane raised her eyebrow at her. “You were pouting too much about that failed coffee date like a spoiled brat.”

Oh. Ayin gave her a sheepish grin and just said, “It wasn’t a date.”

Jane huffed at her, “No one irritates you more than a guy you like.”

“I didn’t say I like him,” she shot at Jane.

“Yeah, right.” Jane shot back.

“Shut up! Let’s run. Last one buys dessert!”

She sprinted, putting her earphones back in her ears, leaving Jane cursing after her.

Later, while deciding where to have dinner, Jane suggested, “The usual Japanese or Mongolian?”

Thoughtfully, Ayin replied, “Hm, how about we try something else? I’m craving for barbecue. Isn’t there a popular open-air ngohiong and barbecue joint near that hotel? It’s an easy walk from here.”

Jane just looked at her strangely. “I wanted to go there last week but you complained about air pollution and stuff spoiling your food. What changed your mind?”

Ayin shrugged. “I’m a woman. I’m allowed to change my mind.”

Jane, “Hm.”

When Jane looked unconvinced, Ayin quickly added, “Besides, I’m jobless. It’s cheaper than Japanese food. Let’s go.”

Later, as they were seated at the table, Jane distributed the native plates, banana leaves and utensils, as Ayin arranged their mixed orders of pork barbecue, chicken liver, ngohiong and rice.

Ayin said, “What are you doing with those spoons and forks? Our hands are cleaner.”

She waved her newly washed hands pointedly.

Jane just shook her head at her. “What’s gotten into you? Who are you?”

Ayin just shrugged and proceeded to eat, quietly thinking — He’s right, barbecue is best eaten with bare hands.

After dinner, they decided to go to Ayala mall for dessert.

More than halfway through their walk, they felt droplets of rain on their skin.

“We should have brought a jacket,” Ayin muttered. “We should have known better, there were no stars earlier.”

In her mind, she scolded herself. She shouldn’t have returned his jacket to him that last night.

Jane just said, “What are you talking about? This is nothing. We’ve run through pouring rain much worse than this.”

Ayin frowned.

Jane just brushed by her as she half-jogged the last block. “Hurry up… before you turn into a gremlin and multiply.”

Several minutes later, at Fudge in Ayala, over strawberry banana splits, black coffee and mocha, Jane finally grilled her.

Jane, “Okay, who are you and what have you done to my friend? First, the streetside barbecue and now this. Why are you ordering a mocha instead of black coffee? You only eat sweets with black coffee.”

Ayin, not quite looking into her friend’s eyes, “Um, this coffee’s not too sweet. I didn’t add sugar in it.”

Jane narrowed her eyes, “Don’t tell me… that’s his favorite drink, isn’t it?”

Looking forlorn, she just took a long sip of her innocent mocha to avoid answering the obvious.

Jane made a clucking sound. Then, noting her expression, teased her. “So what, he turned you down?”

She made a face at her friend. “I didn’t even ask him. I missed my chance.”

Ayin picked up her long teaspoon and scowled at the strawberry ice cream before putting it in her mouth.

“He’s gone. Gone. One week of being together everyday and then pffftt! Didn’t even contact me for 5 days now. Not a single phone call, text, or even an FB message.”

She added sourly, “I shouldn’t have taught him FB.”

Jane burst out laughing. “So why don’t you call him first? You’re an adult, you can make the first move. You’re acting like a teenager.”

Nothing like a good friend to burst your indignant bubble.

Ayin took a deep breath and sighed, “Honestly, I don’t understand myself either. I’m not sure what I want from him.”

She put down her spoon and gestured, “On the one hand, I like him…”

Jane smiled triumphantly at her admission.

She stuck her tongue out at her and continued, “On the other hand, he’s not part of my plan. What’s the point of flirting when you’re not after a relationship?”

“Flirting is fun by itself,” Jane pointed out.

She nodded at once in agreement. “You’re right.”

They both laughed.

“Seriously, what’s stopping you?” Jane asked.

“I’ll start work next month.”

“So?”

“I don’t need the distraction or issues that come with a relationship. I need to focus at work.”

Jane rolled her eyes. “You haven’t even started yet.”

“My work will be in Mactan Island and he’s in the city,” she pointed out. “You know the nature of this job. What time will we have together?”

“You’ll find the time if you want to,” Jane said matter-of-factly, as she took a sip of her coffee.

Ayin hesitated and then said, “He’s got a complicated past. He has kids, an ex-wife. If they come back, what then? I’m not sure if I can fit into that world.”

She paused as she considered, then muttered, “Or even if he can fit into mine, for that matter.”

As they said, when you let someone new in your life, be prepared to welcome not just a person, but a whole new world coming at you.

She looked at Jane and sighed, “We’re so different. He likes light blue, I like midnight blue…”

Jane interrupted to correct her, “Same color, just different shades.”

Ayin continued like not hearing her, “He seems to be quite old-fashioned, and you know me, I have crazy ideas. I don’t like to be tied in the traditional sense. With what he went through, I think he’d want stability. I don’t even have plans of getting married.”

Putting her coffee cup down, Jane said, “Look, that’s a lot of assumptions when you’re still at the getting to know each other stage.”

Jane added, “Besides, the burden’s not all on you. It’s up to him, too, whether to accept you and your weirdness or not. You’re overthinking this.”

Jane took a sip of coffee again and looked her friend in the eye, “You know, you can have a hundred reasons not to be with him. But it only takes one good one to pursue him — do you miss him?”

Ayin didn’t answer. She just continued eating her ice cream.

Jane continued, “If you miss him, that means you like him enough. The rest doesn’t matter. Or at least, you’ll figure out the rest along the way.”

Ayin scowled at her, “You’re quite supportive about this. You haven’t even met him.”

Jane shot back, “Because I know you – you’re not getting out of that funk until you take action.”

Ayin, “Hmp.”

Jane told her, “Remember our motto: Life’s too short. Live well today.”

Ayin smiled. “Right.”

After scraping the last of her banana split from the bowl, Ayin met Jane’s eyes and said slowly,

“Right now, he’s not part of my life plan…

Jane nodded.

“And I do think we live in different worlds…

Jane played along, “And….?”

“And, he never contacted me again so I’m not even sure if he likes me…. that heartless man.”

Jane laughed.

She frowned. “Really, I should just stop this right now.”

At Jane’s raised eyebrows, she lowered her eyes and stared at her brown coffee.

“Nevertheless…”

When she didn’t continue for several seconds, Jane prompted, “Nevertheless, what?”

She looked back into Jane’s knowing eyes and sighed again.

“I miss him.”

---

CLICK ON IMAGE TO READ PREVIOUS CHAPTERS OR GO TO MAIN PAGE