Training Her Man

forget me not series 2 – The Romance of Ayin & Will

CHAPTER SIX

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When working in the hotel and resort industry, one learns that good service is all about training.

No matter how busy the season gets, a hotel associate spends almost half the time attending a series of never ending training.

There’s image enhancement training to make sure one always looks pleasing to the eye.

There’s cross-training to other departments like food and beverage, housekeeping or front office so everyone has an idea what others are doing and learns to work as a team.

There’s communication training so an associate knows when to hold one’s tongue in front of irate guests or use it for sweet talking to upsell other services.

Then there’s the daily mentoring with bosses, weekly financial sessions, monthly leadership or coaching seminars, quarterly customer service re-training, and annual marketing summits.

All these and more for the ultimate goal of raising the bar for guest satisfaction.

Even the most seasoned hotel worker has to go through these on a regular basis.

With so much training, no wonder memes are circulating online that associates in this industry make for the best suitors or lovers.

Among other hundred reasons, you will love them because…

… They will always put you first, especially on an elevator — “After you.”

… They will always answer your calls within 3 rings.

… They can smile through anything — an 8-hour day of standing, unreasonable guest demands or working on holidays… for as long as you’re around.

And even if they know you will check out or leave them eventually, they will still do everything in their power to make your stay memorable.

So, Ayin wondered, if resort associates can be trained to please wandering guests or people they don’t know, how difficult is it really to teach a boyfriend how you want to be loved?

It was a Monday and a group of resort managers gathered round their usual lunch table, taking a one hour break from another all-day crisis management training.

As Ayin sat down at the remaining seat beside the resort’s General Manager (GM), she noticed him, the Human Resources (HR) Head, and a Resident Manager deep in a serious hushed huddle.

“What’s going on?” Ayin whispered to the Food & Beverage (F&B) manager beside her.

“Another associate transfer. Two supervisors are suspected having an affair, so one of them is being transferred to another resort. They’re deciding which one.”

“Oh.”

Ayin wasn’t surprised. She knew who they were talking about. Marital affairs were often an open secret in this industry.

Given the long hours, shared isolation brought by an island’s long distance, and the overall inviting atmosphere of a resort, it was not uncommon to find colleagues falling in lust or love with each other.

Generally, it was not taboo to have a relationship with a co-worker. It only becomes a problem when one or both are also currently committed to another relationship. Then it becomes not just a moral issue, but a public image concern for the resort as well.

Then, the GM addressed the whole table, “Guys, I’m reminding you, take care of your families. Especially when we’re in the business of families ourselves. I know this work often takes us away from home, but you can always make it up to them. Spend time with them or bring them here so they can also appreciate your work.”

General murmurs of agreement and complaint went around the table, but not one stood out.

The GM shook his head, then turned to her. “What about you, Ayin? Are you also married?”

“No sir, but I’m in a relationship.”

Someone joked from across the table, unabashedly eavesdropping, “How’s that going? Did you two have a major fight yet about your work?”

Ayin remembered what happened during summer. “Well…”

A few chuckles around the table.

GM assured her, “Don’t worry, everyone goes through a period of adjustment. While some fail from the pressure, there are also relationships here going strong.”

He considered for a moment, “Just look at your Marketing Director, she and her husband have been together for decades and they’re stronger than ever. She may travel a lot, but her husband sees to it he’s always by her side.”

Ayin agreed. Whenever her direct boss, who was based in Manila, traveled to Cebu, she was always accompanied by her doting husband. She found them to be the sweetest couple, even in their late fifties.

Ayin said wistfully, “I can only wish we could survive half as long or be as sweet as them 10 years later.”

GM said, “Of course you can. Just ask the married ones here how they do it.”

And then, maybe because she was the youngest unmarried manager on the table, her seniors were suddenly eager to give her advice on her love life.

Maybe it wasn’t just her seniors. Anybody is always full of ideas when it comes to somebody else’s love life but their own.

She wasn’t complaining though. She needed some wisdom from people who have been to the love island and back, navigating the same big boat she was in now.

Ms. Sales, “Communication is important. Even when you’re busy, don’t forget to ask him how’s he’s doing at least once a day.”

Ayin winced. She couldn’t promise that.

Mr. F&B, “Use your privilege. As GM said, invite him here and let him enjoy our food and facilities. Treating him will make him more appreciative. That way, he will also support your work.”

Ayin nodded. That’s a great idea. The resort’s seaside restaurant is such a romantic spot for a date.

Ms. Spa, “Work-life balance is important. Don’t wait for it to happen. Like your massage or hair and nails appointment, book the time ahead to spend together with him.”

Ayin asked, “How often? How often is normal?”

Ms. Training, “It’s different for every couple. For some it’s okay to be apart for a long time, then spend one big quality time together. For others, it has to be everyday.”

Uh-oh. Hopefully it isn’t the latter.

Then someone told her, “The key is to know your Love Language.”

Ayin, “The Love what? What language?”

Ms. HR, “You haven’t read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? I’ll give you the book later.”

Ayin, “Thanks. What’s it about?”

Ms. HR, “It’s about building your relationship foundation by treating or expressing your feelings to your partner in a way he will appreciate or understand. Because it might differ from yours.”

Ms. Training, “According to the book, there are 5 love languages – compliments or words of affirmation, quality time, service or doing things for each other, receiving gifts and … physical touch.”

“You mean sex,” Mr. IT quipped.

Laughter around the table.

Ayin grinned, “Hm, interesting.”

Curious, she asked the others, “So, what’s your love language?”

Ms. Purchasing, “I love it when my husband surprises me with chocolates or bouquets of flowers in the office even when there’s no special occasion.”

Ms. HR, “I have a staff who always files a long leave of absence every off season to go abroad with her boyfriend. They love to go mountain climbing together. While me and my husband love to go biking. It’s our quality time.”

Mr. Chef, “We don’t travel much, but I drive and pickup my wife everyday so we can go home together. In turn, she cooks dinner at home because she knows I’ve been cooking at the resort all day.”

Ayin asked, “What about you, GM?”

GM, “I run with my wife. We train and do marathons together.”

Chuckling, Mr. Engineer pointed to Ms. Sales, “You don’t have to ask her. She’s always on her phone sending love texts to her boyfriend.”

Wow, Ayin realized that love was actually overflowing everywhere, making itself known in different languages, and she was just blind to some of it.

Ms. HR, “Any misunderstanding can be drowned for as long as your Love Tank is full. To do that, you must let your partner know how you want your tank to be filled.”

Then Mr. Reservations asked sourly, “What if your partner insist on their ways and refuses to love you the way you want?”

Mr. Front Office quipped, “Immediately send her to Check Out, and find another.”

Ms. Training, “No, you shouldn’t give up easily. You should try training your partner first. With the right incentive and process, someone can adapt to your desired behavior.”

Ms. Housekeeping clucked her tongue and cautioned, “Careful about trying to change a person. It’s like mending pillows. You pull the wrong thread and it falls apart.”

Mr. Engineer concurred. “Yep, especially with someone stubborn, forcing change is a tricky thing. Push the wrong button, and everything blows up on your face.”

Ayin nodded.

Once upon a time, one of her friends, inspired by My Fair Lady, tried to change her boyfriend so much — his hairstyle, his clothes, taste in music and even his hobbies.

They tried to caution her but all she said was, “It’s for his benefit to level up. I’m just turning him into a better man.”

To her credit, she was successful. But by the time she finally turned him into a man that she liked, he was already too different that he also changed girlfriends.

Mr. Front Office, “If you need to change a man, maybe he’s not the product you’re looking for. Find another. Only check-in someone you already like enough and respect, so no need for cancellation.”

Ayin considered what he said and mused.

No, Will was not the problem. It wasn’t that she wanted to change him. She liked him as he was.

But if they were to avoid drifting apart again or repeating their fight last summer, something has to change in their relationship … even a little bit.

For her peace of mind, she needed to know and teach Will how she wants to be loved.

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The first step to any training is to identify and let your participants know your objective.

One time, while her car was at the shop for preventive maintenance, Will offered to pick her up at the resort.

While they were slowly inching their way to Mactan bridge due to heavy rush hour traffic, Ayin figured it was a good time to get the ball rolling.

Her, “Hey, you still remember what you said to me at the beach the last time you visited me at work and we made up after a fight last summer?”

Him, “Yes.”

When he didn’t continue, she prompted him, “What?”

Him, “I don’t want to lose you. You’ve forgotten already?”

Her, grinning at him. “No, I just love hearing it again.”

Will sighed. Ayin chuckled.

Her, “Anyway, I feel the same. So … I think we should change something in our relationship.”

Will frowned. “What do you mean ‘change’? You want me to change?”

Ayin patted his arm before he could tense further. “No, no. I like you as you are.”

When he relaxed, she continued, “But we don’t want to drift apart again like last time, right? Since we don’t want to lose each other, we need to strengthen our relationship.”

Him, “Mm. What’s on your mind?”

Ayin paused for a moment to carefully collect her thoughts.

Once the objective was clearly established, the next step to training was to give an overview of the activities.

Rolling out the ‘hows’ is always a bit trickier since you never know how the participants would respond. You have to carefully explain the mechanics. And then, for them to buy into the activity, you have to be ready with your rationale and adjust when necessary.

Her, “We need to show each other more that we care.”

He glanced at her, “Am I not showing you I care by driving and picking you up tonight?”

Oh, so service is his language of love. Perhaps, he’d appreciate it if she reciprocated with a hand massage later.

She picked up his right hand on the gear shift and squeezed it. “I know. But… have you heard about Love Language? And how it may differ from one person to another?”

Him, “No. Don’t we speak the same language?”

She sighed. “Okay, let’s try this… Imagine a fuel tank. You show your cars some love by filling it up, right? You never let it go empty.”

He nodded for her to continue.

Her, “But then, your Mitsubishi Adventure likes diesel, and your Mazda likes unleaded gasoline. And while they are both food for cars, it doesn’t really work if you mix up the two because the Adventure only responds to diesel and the Mazda to unleaded gas.”

Him, not sure where this was going, “Okay…”

Her, “So imagine each of us have a Love Tank. To keep us moving, we need to fill it up, but not just with any fuel. It has to be according to how that person likes her tank to be filled.”

Him, “Hm, I see.”

Her, “So, while I appreciate the things you do for me, I want to make a few demands of my own. Just two actually.”

Ayin figured that for best results, it was best not to make too many. Especially when people often can’t retain more than 5 items on any list to memory. She was one of those people.

Him, “Let’s hear them.”

After careful thought, Ayin has figured out that her love language was Quality Time.

She wasn’t so much into gifts because she rarely keeps things, nor was she looking for a man to serve her because she liked doing things on her own or according to the way she wants it done.

What really thrilled her was having her partner’s undivided attention. Maybe not all the time, but at least on a regular basis. She felt special when someone treats her as a priority.

Her, “One, I need attention so I want daily phone calls. Call, not text.”

Him, “I thought you don’t like me calling you because it bothers you at work.”

She shook her head, “Not that way. I still don’t like you calling me at work unless it’s important. What I want is at night, right before we sleep.”

Will was quiet for a moment. “That’s my game time. I can’t promise to always mind my phone when I’m playing.”

Ayin rolled her eyes. “Hey, I’m trying my best here not to be jealous of that game. I know it’ll hurt you if I ask you to choose between me or the game.”

At his look, she quickly added, “I said ‘if’. And no, I’m not even asking that. I’m afraid of your answer.”

He chuckled.

Ayin insisted, “You must set aside time. I won’t bug you about the game even if you play it all day long, but you have to drop it when it’s my time at night.”

After a moment of silence, Will said, “Okay. What’s the second one?”

Her, “I want Date Nights. At least once a week.”

He nodded, “I like that, too. But our schedules are often unpredictable – I sometimes have night classes. So let’s just be flexible with which day.”

Her, “No, we’ll end up always postponing it. We’re always busy. Let’s fix it on a specific day, and try our best not to schedule anything else on that night unless it’s really important or unavoidable.”

Him, “Okay. You like Sundays?”

Her, “Hm, let’s make it Saturdays so I don’t need to wake up early the next day. Saturday Nights are mine.”

Him, “Mm.”

Her, “So it’s a deal? Daily phone calls and weekly Date Nights?”

Him, “Deal.”

It is common belief that it takes approximately 21 days to make a habit and 90 days to make a permanent lifestyle change.

In the case of Ayin and Will, however, it took them about a month of hits and misses in executing their new practices, before they settled into a regular rhythm.

Developing a system of reward and punishment helped in making them respect their time for each other. Nothing heavy, mind you. Just that one agreed to let it slide when whoever forgot or broke the deal paid in some way or another.

One night, Ayin was about to dial Will’s number thinking he forgot to call her again, when her phone rang…

Her, “Just right on time. You were this close to treating me to another French wine.”

Him, “After dragging me to that French place with the hardest sandwich last time? Ugh. No way. Lesson learned. I’m not missing another call. I get to choose where we go this Saturday.”

She teased him, “My boyfriend is such a quick learner. That’s one of the things I like about you.”

In the course of their nightly conversations, she has discovered that another of Will’s love language was that he likes words of affirmation. He preened when he was praised.

So she kept it in mind to always season their conversations with random words of praise — as beefy-rich and flavorful as possible just like his favorite Knorr cube.

Her, “By the way, I’m Manager on Duty on Saturday, I can’t leave the resort before night time.”

Him, “No way. Saturday nights are mine. We don’t see each other for a week. You said it yourself, we need to spend quality time.”

Bite me, Ayin inwardly winced. It seemed like she had trained Will a little too well. He was throwing her words back at her.

Her, “I know, I already tried exchanging slots but no one is willing when it’s Saturday night.”

Will was quiet.

Her, cajoling, “Can we move to Sunday night instead?”

Him, “No, we need to stick to the schedule.”

Her, “I know, but it’s work…”

Then she remembered her GM’s and Mr. F&B’s suggestion. “Hey, I have an idea… why don’t we have dinner at the resort? I can treat you at The Cove. Well, actually, it’s the resort treating us. It’s the most romantic seaside seafood restaurant in the area.”

Him, “Hm, but you’ll be working. I might end up eating alone.”

Her, “No, I’ll be done by the time we have dinner. Promise. You just have to go there.”

Him, “Are you sure?”

Her, “Yes. You can order anything you want.”

Him, “Okay.”

Her, “You must be brooding by now. I miss seeing your face.”

Him, “You can always come see me, you know. Why don’t you drop by here on your way home, it’s just a little side trip, and not really out of the way if you go straight to SRP road.”

Her, “Hm. I thought evenings are your game time. I don’t like competing for attention if I’m there.”

Him, “If you come, there’ll be no contest.”

Her, “Okay, if you say so. Will do that tomorrow.”

When it comes to someone you like, it doesn’t hurt to be a little extra.

So, true to her word, Ayin dropped by Will’s office after work the next day before going home. And she did it again twice later that week.

And like any habit, after about a month, it became another one of their routines – her driving approximately 25 kilometers from the island to his office about three times a week, while he waited for her regular visits like a girl with strict parents.

She didn’t mind. For she discovered they shared another love language.

For some couples, quality time is all about new adventures – ticking off bucket list items they haven’t done yet such as skydiving, a Euro trip, mountain climbing, or traversing new biking trails.

Ayin and Will were a lot tamer in this aspect. For them, it was all about food.

It became their habit to drive around Cebu City and to neighboring towns to discover and try one new restaurant each week.

Led by their taste buds, they explored a world of flavors from hole-in-the-wall ginabot carenderia to exotic Mediterranean, spicy Asian, Pinoy barrio fiesta, or fine wine and pasta in the mountains of Busay and more.

Her, “Hey, you think Cebu will run out of restaurants after we do this for a year?”

Him, “Maybe two. If ever that day comes, that’s when we try each other’s cooking.”

Her, “I don’t cook.”

Him, “What? Everybody cooks.”

Her, “Well, if you like instant noodles, I’m an expert in that.”

Will grunted and shook his head.

Ayin scowled at him, “Why, do you cook?”

Him, “Some. Not an expert but I can experiment. There’s always YouTube.”

Her, “You do it then.”

Him, “Sure. I’ll cook for you. I like homemade food.”

Her, “Great. If you cook, I’ll do the dishes.”

Him, “Deal.”

Along the way, it became clearer to Ayin and Will how opposite they were. More often than not, they liked different things or have different tastes.

But while neither of them would fundamentally change, at least they were talking about it and were open to exploring each other’s choices.

In any process, honest feedback is always important.

One time, they were walking along IT Park looking for the next place to eat…

Her, “I don’t like crowded places like that boodle place. I feel guilty taking my time eating while other people are waiting outside.”

Him, “Fine. But not another Italian restaurant, okay? I never get full with pizza and pasta. I want my rice and red meat”

Her, “For as long as I can eat slowly and they serve dessert.”

They slowed down as they saw a newly opened place with unassuming interiors and a big menu board outside.

Him, “How about that? It says Everything Yummy.”

They examined the menu.

Her, “Look, it has your sizzling steak and champion chops. And a platter of garlic fried rice.”

Him, “And there’s your strawberry milkshake and favorite creme brulee. Plus your Spanish salpicao.”

Her, “Yep, all mine.”

They grinned at each other. They went inside and settled at a corner table by the glass window.

After several minutes…

Her, “Wow. It’s not false advertising – everything is really yummy. This salpicao is to die for.”

Him, “I’m with you. This pork chop is the best. And, I can order beer with it.”

Her, “Finally, a restaurant we both like.”

Him, “Mm. Same place next week?”

Her, “Why not?”

Being clear about their likes and dislikes eventually led them to find a place worth going back to together.

By knowing and acknowledging their particular ‘Yours’ and ‘Mine’, they discovered a cozy comfort zone that they could finally call “Ours.”

As she was savoring dessert, and Will was enjoying another bottle of beer…

Her, “By the way, I’d like to add another thing to our arrangement.”

Him, “Another one?”

Her, “I want you to attend special work events with me.”

Will considered for a moment.

Him, “Okay, what are you gonna give me for the events?”

Hm, just like a businessman – a negotiation.

Her, “What do you want?”

Him, “I support your work. You also support mine. I need help with the books. Actually, I need a better system for class scheduling. Can you help me?”

Ayin quickly swallowed her creme brulee as her heart raced.

Will was entrusting her with this? He wanted her to be a part of the most important thing to him, his business?

She was thrilled. Slowly, they were getting closer, immersing into each other’s worlds.

Her, with a big smile, “I can do that.”

It was then that Ayin realized that as she was training Will how to take care of her, Will was also training her on how he liked certain things to be.

Ayin may have been the one with the original intention, but in the process, they ended up training each other, eventually understanding each other’s love language.

With this, they found that being on different boats no longer bothered them as much as before. They were already anchored by the traditions or habits they’d formed in their relationship.

And when they had to sail independently, they knew that just by keeping their respective Love Tanks full, they would always have the energy to find their way back to each other.

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